sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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