Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
