She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
