I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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