Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize