dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My ass is underappreciated
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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