I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
