Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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