I haven't been this sober since birth.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
