i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
