I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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