it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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