How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
