Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
