I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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