3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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