peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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