Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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