i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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