Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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