Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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