she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
