lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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