How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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