My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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