I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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