I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
