So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
