Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
