Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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