cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
