After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I am naked and annoyed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
