Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
