shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize