He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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