omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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