someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
