I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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