The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
