Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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