It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
