We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
