I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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