Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
