We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
