fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
