He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Don't make out with my wife yet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
