You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
