I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize