So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
