I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize