Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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