I am puke
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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