this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
