i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You took a bar mat shot.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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