if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
