"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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