On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
